Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

NVC - A Language of Life!

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication, is a practical, learnable process based on universal human values that helps people connect more deeply with themselves and others.

It was founded by Marshall Rosenberg, as he explored the questions:

  • What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to act violently and exploitatively?
  • And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature even under the most trying circumstances?

While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, he was struck by the crucial role of language. So he identified an approach to communicating that leads us to give and receive from the heart allowing our natural compassion to flourish.

“When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life”  – Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

 

Nonviolent Communication supports us to:

  • Create a quality of connection where everyone’s needs are valued and strategies to meet needs contribute to connection, harmony and peace
  • Cultivate moment to moment awareness of what is alive in ourselves and others, and to be able to clearly articulate this
  • Give to others and ourselves, not out of duty, obligation, guilt,  shame, fear of punishment or hope for a reward, but because it’s in our nature to enjoy giving to one another
  • Develop our ability to transform our own and others judgement, blame and criticism into understanding, compassion and the peaceful resolution of conflict
  • Bring consciousness to the interdependence of our well being
  • Use power with others to work together to meet the needs of all concerned
  • Focus our attention on what matters most, leading to language and actions that are efficient, effective and full of integrity.
  • Support others in our families and communities to find calm and clarity when they are reactive or upset.
  • Speak and listen so that conflict turns into collaboration, so that we access all parts of the brain for more creativity and inspiration and shared power.
  • Bring together honesty and kindness; compassion and accountability; individuality and connection. Be assertive and negotiable at the same time
  • Receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem
  • Be congruent with our values in thought, speech and action.
  • Transform our patterns of thinking that lead to anger, guilt, shame and depression

 

The framework of Nonviolent Communication

In any moment we can choose between the three modes of communication: expressing ourselves authentically,  listening with empathy and self-connection.

Each mode comprises four components:

  1. Observations free of evaluations;
  2. Feelings straight from the heart;
  3. Needs, values and longings;
  4. Requests, in clear positive action language.

Although it is taught in reference to this particular model and designed as a communication process, NVC is indeed much more than this: it is a way of living more compassionately, powerfully and effectively in relationship to ourselves and others. It is an invitation to focus our attention where we have the greatest chance of finding what we are seeking, connection. It reminds us of the profound value of human interactions and helps us live with that awareness.

 

What people say about Nonviolent Communication

“Marshall Rosenberg provides us with the most effective tools to foster health and relationships. This is the missing link in my work.”  – Deepak Chopra, MD

“These techniques transform potential conflicts into peaceful dialogues”   – John Gray, Ph. D.

“I believe the principles and techniques of Nonviolent Communication can literally change the world, but more importantly, they can change the quality of your life. I cannot recommend it highly enough.”   – Jack Canfield, Author of Chicken Soup for the Soul Series

To find out more watch the following video and check out the other supportive resources below.

Marshall Rosenberg

Check out the 1st part of this series of introductions to NVC

Supportive resources

  • Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will Change Your World (2005) – Offers insights into how NVC can be applied to resolve conflicts peacefully, whether in personal relationships or global disputes.

  • The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift (2005) – Explores the underlying causes of anger and provides guidance on how to express it in ways that lead to reconciliation and healing.

  • Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation (2012) – A compilation of teachings that delve into the practical applications of NVC in daily life.

  • Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and Reconciliation Without Compromise (2004) – Focuses on healing relationships and moving beyond emotional pain through empathetic communication.

  • Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way (2004) – Provides guidance for parents on cultivating compassionate and open communication with their children.

  • Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships (2005) – Discusses how to cultivate loving and authentic relationships using NVC principles.

  • The Heart of Social Change: How to Make a Difference in Your World (2004) – Explores how NVC can be utilized to bring about social transformation and justice.

  • We Can Work It Out: Resolving Conflicts Peacefully and Powerfully (2004) – Offers strategies for resolving conflicts in various settings through effective communication.

  • Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (1999, latest edition 2015) – The foundational book introducing NVC principles, offering practical tools for compassionate communication.

  • Practical Spirituality (2005) – Explores the intersection of NVC and spirituality, showing how to live in alignment with one's deepest values.

  • Life-Enriching Education: Nonviolent Communication Helps Schools Improve Performance, Reduce Conflict, and Enhance Relationships (2003) – Discusses how NVC can transform educational environments by fostering mutual respect and effective communication.

Miki Kashtan

  • Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness: Transcending the Legacy of Separation in Our Individual Lives (2014) – A deep exploration of shifting from judgment and separation to openhearted connection and commitment.

  • Reweaving Our Human Fabric: Working Together to Create a Nonviolent Future (2015) – Examines collaborative approaches to social transformation through NVC principles.

  • The Highest Common Denominator: Using Convergent Facilitation to Reach Breakthrough Collaborative Decisions (2021) – Introduces a structured process for making collaborative decisions, even in highly polarized groups.

  • The Little Book of Courageous Living (2014) – A collection of insights and reflections on living with courage and integrity.

Robert Gonzales

  • The Spirituality of Nonviolent Communication: A Course in Living Compassion (2022) – Explores the deeper spiritual dimensions of NVC, focusing on self-compassion and inner transformation.

John Kinyon & Ike Lasater

  • Choosing Peace: New Ways to Communicate to Reduce Stress, Create Connection, and Resolve Conflict (2014) – Practical guidance for reducing stress and transforming conflict through NVC-based communication.

  • From Conflict to Connection: Transforming Difficult Conversations into Peaceful Resolutions (2013) – Offers a step-by-step process for resolving conflicts and fostering mutual understanding.

Robert Maoz Kržišnik

  • This Miraculous Life: A Memoir (2019) – A deeply personal reflection on life and the transformative power of NVC.

  • Remembering What This Is (2019) – A poetic and philosophical inquiry into the essence of being alive.

Kathleen Macferran

  • Choice: A Field Guide for Navigating the Polarization of Our World and Living Interdependently (2020) – Co-authored with Jared Finkelstein, this book explores ways to navigate societal polarization through NVC principles.

  • How Giraffes Got Their Ears (2020) – A children’s book introducing NVC concepts through a heartwarming story.

Lucy Leu

  • Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group, or Classroom Study (2003) – A structured workbook designed to support deeper learning and practice of NVC.

Ike Lasater

  • Words That Work in Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace (2009) – Applies NVC to workplace communication, helping professionals build stronger relationships and resolve conflicts effectively.

Liv Larsson

  • Anger, Shame, and Guilt: Reclaiming Power and Choice (2012) – Explores how to process and transform difficult emotions through NVC.

  • A Helping Hand: Mediation with Nonviolent Communication (2014) – A guide to using NVC in mediation to support conflict resolution.

Marie Miyashiro

  • The Empathy Factor: Your Competitive Advantage for Personal, Team, and Business Success (2011) – Discusses the role of empathy in business and organizational settings, integrating NVC with leadership and collaboration.

Mary Mackenzie

  • Peaceful Living: Daily Meditations for Living with Love, Healing, and Compassion (2005) – A collection of reflections and practices for integrating NVC into daily life.

Holly Eckert

  • Graduating from Guilt: Six Steps to Overcome Guilt and Reclaim Your Life (2007) – Examines how NVC can help individuals free themselves from guilt and live with greater authenticity.

Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle Hodson

  • The No-Fault Classroom: Tools to Resolve Conflict & Foster Relationship Intelligence (2008) – A practical guide for educators and students to apply NVC principles in the classroom, creating a more harmonious learning environment.

  • Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict Into Cooperation (2006) – Offers parents a roadmap to fostering mutual respect, cooperation, and connection within the family using NVC.

Sylvia Haskvitz

  • Eat by Choice, Not by Habit: Practical Skills for Creating a Healthy Relationship with Your Body and Food (2005) – Applies NVC to eating habits, helping readers transform their relationship with food from unconscious patterns to mindful choice.

Dian Killian & Jane Connor

  • Connecting Across Differences: How to Communicate with Compassion and Respect (2nd Ed., 2013) – A comprehensive guide to applying NVC in everyday interactions to build deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Mel Sears

  • Humanizing Health Care: Creating Cultures of Compassion With Nonviolent Communication (2010) – Explores how NVC can transform healthcare environments by fostering compassion and better communication between providers and patients.

Centre for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC)

  • www.cnvc.org – The global hub for Nonviolent Communication (NVC), featuring information on training, certification, events, and resources for individuals and organizations.

PuddleDancer Press

  • www.nonviolentcommunication.com – The primary publisher of books on Nonviolent Communication, including works by Marshall Rosenberg and other leading NVC trainers.

GROK the World

  • www.GroktheWorld.com – Offers GROK cards and interactive tools for deepening empathy, connection, and emotional intelligence through NVC-based games and activities.

Express Peace

The NVC Dance Floors

  • www.nvcdancefloors.com – Provides information on ‘The NVC Dance Floors,’ an experiential learning method co-created by Bridget Belgrave and Gina Lawrie to help integrate NVC concepts.

The Fearless Heart (Miki & Inbal Kashtan)

  • www.thefearlessheart.org – A rich collection of NVC-based writings, courses, and downloadable materials.
    • Free Learning Packets: Access Miki and Inbal Kashtan’s extensive learning resources without a paywall here
    • Basic Reference Materials: Download essential NVC reference materials at no cost here

Having a bad impression of NVC is not uncommon and I can understand why.  So I'll share a small note on a big subject, with a hope that it will remind us all to proceed with caution, care and consciousness.

 

The many ways to misunderstand NVC have caused a lot of trouble for people rushing to put it to practice; the unfortunate others who they are non-consensually practicing on, as well as the reputation of NVC. 

 

Most people don’t realise that the way NVC is taught has evolved a LOT since Marshall Rosenberg created the form in the 1960s.

 

Many have learnt it by listening to his talks, reading his book or from other trainers who’ve learnt this way. In my experience, most of these don't really get it. A few understand the concepts; even fewer figure out how to ‘do it correctly’, but almost nobody really integrates the fundamental principles and has the shifts in consciousness that are required to truly practice it.

I have found this level of understanding more often harmful than helpful. I meet many people mistrustful of NVC because of others who have learnt this way, often imposing a strange way of talking on them without their agreement; speaking in a long-winded, text-book or mechanical way; faking empathy with rehearsed phrases or using the form of NVC to manipulate others to get what they want.

 

Practicing ‘NVC’ like this is a contradiction of the foundational principles, which encourage us to hold others’ needs with as much care as our own and to avoid notions of any ‘right’ way of doing anything. In fact, NVC moves us beyond all dichotomies of right and wrong; good and bad, should and shouldn’t etc, and we see everything anyone ever does as their best attempt to meet some need(s) in that moment.

 

By deeply integrating these, and other principles, we no longer need to judge and blame others or ourselves and so we develop genuine compassion, understanding and care… and from here, words that bring authentic connection and effective collaboration flow naturally.

 

This is what I focus on in my trainings. If you're interested to explore this more with me, check out my events in particular the NVC foundation trainings: 'The Key to NVC' and 'Communicate to Connect'

 

NVC is NOT…

… only for people who are physically ‘violent’ (It’s for anyone who judges (blames, criticises) themselves or others (even if secretly))

… a prescription or formula for how to speak (There are no rules, just many ways to increase our awareness, eg in how we communicate, to bring more, rather than less, connection)

… a tool to increase your power to manipulate, ie get people to do what you want (If you are not holding others’ needs with as much care as your own, then you are NOT practicing NVC)

 

NVC can be defined in many different ways, depending on your intention and approach. It can be a:

~ Collection of principles that support the development of a consciousness based on universal human values and needs

~ Tool for personal, social and cultural transformation

~ Practical, learnable process that helps people connect more deeply with themselves and others

~ Lens for making sense of human life

~ Way to embody compassion, authentic connection & holding everyone’s needs dear

~ Tool for living with in line with your values and being true to yourself

~ Way to live life fully: purpose-driven, empowered & self-responsible

~ Language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human even under challenging conditions

Want more of this in your life?

Check out my events page to see if any public trainings are coming up.

Or, if you want to work with me privately (in-person or online), we can use it, learn it, practice it and find ways to integrate it into your relationships, work or personal growth journey.

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